Skip to main content

Improve Your Relationships

What most people are longing for and yet feel is missing from their life is a good relationship. We yearn for "true" love or to be "in" love.
Why is it that we have such a difficult time with this? Why are most problems we encounter in our lives about our closet relationship?

We feel disconnected, negatively judged and critisized. We can feel adequate and competent in all other areas of our lives and not feel that way with our partners, parents, children, etc. Our focus is on what's wrong with me or what's wrong with them!

Let's first look what factors are involved in what creates a positive and nuturing relationship...
Primarily it seems important that we feel acknowledged and supported. If there is judgement, it is expressed and utilized in a positive manner. Feeling acknowledged allows us to hear "constructive critisism", it allows us to feel the information is being provided with good intent, not a reminder of our inadequacies.

When this occurs, we are suspending our need to be right about something and listening to another's perspective or opinion on something. We can then encourage them to explore why they have the opinion that they have and to open up a dialogue where there is an information exchange... just ideas, thoughts and feelings, not judgement with implied righteousness.

It invites a sense of curiosity which helps each person find out more about each other. Not just what you are thinking, but why. Where does your information come from? Why do you feel that something is important.

It is then important to acknowledge that information and to, again, expore it further. It helps to identify obstacles that we may have in terms of the process of or discussion... are we really listening or are we busy feeling judged or thinking about what WE need to say next, or feeling unheard. It is the removal or suspension of these obstacles which allows for a closer connection and improved communication.

Your choice to be with someone in particular in your life is more about preferences and tolerances, not about whether you care about that person or not. Of course, the care needs to be there to begin with, but it does not create a longer term satisfying relationship. Being able to air your differences about those preferences and tolerances with a positive goal of improving the relationship is a process which can grow daily.

Identify a time in the day when you can share your day with each other... be honest... no secrets. Don't just report your day, talk and ask questions about how you feel about your day. Build a relationship filled with integrity. Remember as you are sharing, suspend judgement and your need to be right. Acknowledge and explore each others ideas.

You will feel more connected and closer as a result.

Until later,
Leland

info@CounsellingandMediation.com
(905) 510-9117
(705) 443-8290

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Blame Game

yabutyou!!!!! How many times do we hear ourselves or others saying (or thinking) this? We seem to want to displace our personal responsibilities onto others, as if to say I am not responsible.... or you made me do that! We see it in extreme cases where people may be prone to interpreting what others have said as an implied (or direct) criticism or threat to our existence. For example, a person who hits their child (or wife) and while doing so will say, "look what you made me do!" I know it seems insane to believe that we are all capable of doing this in some fashion... and I'm not saying everyone hits their child (or wife)... but don't we all like to blame others or circumstances for explaining why we are in an uncomfortable predicament that we're in? Isn't far more convenient to blame... relieving us of the responsibility to be accountable? Another example... 2 Children arguing in the school yard. You ask them "who started it" and they will invariab...
Post a Comment
Read more
We’re all victims… Aren’t we? This could be the most difficult article to read you’ve ever read! Pretty much everyone I speak with has, at one time or another, felt victimized by another. Some have unknowingly created a mindset or perspective of victimization.   We’re all smart people, right? So how does this happen? It typically occurs predominately in close relationships; relationships where we think it shouldn’t happen… but does. Why? Most immediately respond by blaming and finding fault with the perpetrator of the behaviour that leads to the feeling of being victimized. I’m not suggesting for a minute that real victimization does not occur, nor is it my intent to minimize, excuse or defend the harm that can be created by others… whether intended or not. This is to rather help better understand the why this victimization occurs in the first place. Often when I’m working with a client in this situation I’ll at some point during their therapy question them about the role they may ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Addiction... New Treatment

Addiction - Why traditional methods may not work... I have to premise this writing with a concern that some may have over it's content. I do not intend to say absolutely that current treatment doesn't work, only to help explain why it seems so difficult to overcome addiction and to suggest alternatives.  It has been contended for years that addiction is not a disease. It shares some of the hallmark signs of disease, but it is not. It is a the result of a serious chronic health imbalance. The underlying psychological, physiological  and biological issues are the primary concern. It is more complex than some have been led to believe. I ask myself, why is it that people of sound mind and body, would consciously behave in a manner that will knowingly cause harm to themselves or others? That is hard to believe. Very few clients I have met in my 30 years of working the field have been psychopathic, sociopathic or schizophrenic... or simply unable to distinguish between reality and n...
Post a Comment
Read more