But It's Mine!

Many clients come to me looking for change... feeling stuck with or in a situation that they perceive themselves unable to resolve.

They often feel compelled to "fix the problem" and want me to help them fix it or tell them what they need to do to fix it or fix it for them... It's a normal response for them to be upset, frustrated and perhaps angry when I tell them that I cannot do that... and try instead to have them understand that our minds work differently... and we need to understand why people don't invite or create the change that they say they want. If we don't have what we say we want... why not?

There's a story of a person who falls off a cliff... with all of who they believe they are in their arms and a parachute on their back. In order to save themselves all they need to do is to let go off their "stuff" and pull the parachute cord to fall safely to the ground. Even knowing this, the person persists in hanging on... even to their death! They can be heard repeating the same phrase... "BUT IT'S MINE!"

We have our perception of our reality and that provides us with comfort around our illusion of control and understanding of ourselves and the world around us. We hang on to that and gather ample evidence to support that it's right to do this and our information is accurate.

One of the most difficult areas to conquer in therapy is the recognition that nothing ever changes as long as we are pointing at the cause external from ourselves. Saying that we're the victims of some sort of our own sense of reality. We are the common denominator of our lives and suggesting that we do not play a part in contributing to our circumstances is folly... Once some degree of responsibility is recognised, then change can occur, sometimes instantly there is a paradigm shift of thinking. Even for those who do not feel they are responsible, I suggest that they ask themselves who it is that can create a desired change in their lives?

Having anxiety is a natural response to this recognition. The thought that we as individuals are indeed responsible for making our lives different means a number of things that promote an anxious feeling. In some way we don't want to be responsible... who would we or what would we blame for our demise? How do we go about dealing with this?

I often have clients ask... "well, just tell me what to do!" Hence the need for therapy... therapy that is present and real, not about people recounting the stories of their lives but of the responses and interpretations that become available during the development of the relationship between the client and the therapist.

A good therapist will be delicately balancing the paradox of the desire to change with the resistance to change... "BUT IT'S MINE" 

Leland
http://www.counsellingandmediation.com/
leland@CounsellingandMediation.com
(905) 510-9117
(705) 443-8290